


Soup for the Soul

by mooningsammy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean can be an asshole, Dean can be oblivious, M/M, Sam Winchester Needs a Hug, Song fic, angsty, canon-typical blood stuff, cas remembers being reprogrammed, fallen angels (mentioned), grace-touching, loosely based on Take It Out On Me by FGL, sam/dean vs. sam/cas, set after Chuck reveals himself as God, sometime, soul-touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 12:02:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14188551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mooningsammy/pseuds/mooningsammy
Summary: Dean went out again. Sam prays to Castiel because he can’t understand why.





	Soup for the Soul

**Author's Note:**

> seriously I am shit at naming my works. pls help.

“I’m gonna go get a drink.” He gave Sam a look. “Alone. I need to be alone.”

Alone in a bar full of people as long as they weren’t Sam, he meant. Sam flinched when the door slammed shut.

“Hey, Cas? Are you there?”

He felt Castiel’s presence in the room and looked up from the floor. “Hey, Cas…”

“Sam… Something’s wrong.”

“No, no, it’s okay, there’s not a fight or anything—“

“No, but you are upset. You are angry, too.”

Sam took his time. “Do you think Dean would cheat on me?”

Castiel took his time, too. “I’m guessing you don’t want me to lie…”

“No, be honest, please.”

“Then… yes, I do. Sam, do you remember what my opinion was when you and Dean began this… relationship?” 

“Please don’t say ‘I told you so.’”

“I’m not going to say ‘I told you so,’ I’m going to tell you why.” Cas sat down beside Sam, and the two of them seemed to study the stained carpet. “When you love, Sam, you love with your entire being, your entire soul. Gabriel had to explain it to me, but I understand now. Despite being an angel of the lord, I’ve found that I love with my entire being, my entire grace, as well. It doesn’t just fall to one person, for you, but when you choose a person, you  _ choose  _ them. Even if they haven’t completely chosen you. Dean is not the same. I told you that I didn’t think a relationship with your brother was a good idea, and that is because Dean might be loyal to you as a brother, but he’s never held a relationship with anybody. Especially not a healthy one. I’m worried about how he might hurt you.”

Sam scrubbed his face with his hands. “Thanks, Cas.”

“I am sorry to have upset you.”

“No, please. You’re not the one upsetting me. Dean’s the one upsetting me.”

-

“Sam! Hold on a minute!”

Sam slammed their motel room door behind him, he wasn’t in the mood to hear any more of Dean’s flimsy excuses. He couldn’t _resist_? Maybe she was a _siren_? Sirens made their victims kill their loved ones, yet Sam was still alive. It didn’t sound like a siren, more like Dean didn’t know how to be loyal. “Castiel?”

Sam didn’t stop walking until he reached a small diner at the edge of town, and he ordered a coffee and waited. Cas met him there. 

“Thank you for coming.”

“Sam, if there is anything I can do…”

“No…” He shook his head. “Seeing you helps, you know. You make me feel okay. I mean, you’re an angel. You’re so much better than me, or Dean, or anyone I’ve ever known.”

“Sam, I am hardly—“

“You want to do good. That’s all you want. I wish I could be that simple.”

Castiel smiled, wry. “I want more than that, Sam.” 

Sam cocked his head, studying the angel. “Like what?”

Cas looked away. “Well…, even if I told you, you can’t help me.”

-

Sam closed the motel room door silently, tears falling rapidly once it was shut. Dean was asleep, and there was a girl in bed with him. He had his duffel, grabbed it after sneaking in. He rented a single room on the opposite side of the motel. He hoped Dean didn’t go looking for him for awhile. 

“What did he do this time?”

Sam looked up from the doorknob while he tried to unlock his room. “Cas?”

“I’ve been checking on you, periodically. You’re upset.”

“I’m pissed… Go look.”

He was only gone for a millisecond, but Sam knew he had seen. He looked sad, sad for Sam. 

Sam sat down at the table in his new motel room, watching Castiel close the door. “Cas, if you were human, would you do that sort of thing to somebody you loved?”

“No. I would not behave in that way. Like I said, when I choose to love, I  _ choose _ a person.”

Sam blinked at him. “Do you? Do you love somebody, Castiel?”

“I’ve been re-educated on many occasions for loving specific humans too much. It took me falling in love again to remember I had been punished for it before. The truth is, every time I do, the souls I choose are similar, no matter how different they are as human beings.”

“You’re in love with somebody?” Sam asked, feeling like he needed to hear it again. A part of him wished…, and yet, it couldn’t be. Sam would never be worthy of an angel. “That’s amazing, Cas. Good for you.” 

Castiel smiled at him, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Loving is pretty simple. The hard part is knowing that the person you love does not share your feelings.”

Sam looked at the ground. “I can relate to that.”

-

Dean kept calling Sam. It had barely been a week, but Dean kept calling Sam and Sam didn’t want to talk to him.

_ “Hey, Sam, listen… I can explain… Call me back, Sammy.” _

_ [dial tone] _

_ “Sammy, I need to talk to you. Are you okay?” _

_ [dial tone] _

_ “Hey, Sam… Uh… Call me when you can.” _

_ [dial tone] _

_ “Look, Sammy, I know I messed up, but I’m trying to make up for it, you gotta let me.” _

_ [dial tone] _

“Sam?”

Sam looked up, pulling his phone away from his ear. “Hey, Cas. What’s up?”

“Do you have a job, right now?”

“No, I just finished one a few towns over.” He rose to his feet. “Why, need me to deal with something?”

“Yes, I was wondering if you could help me with something.”

-

After Sam helped Castiel with an angel issue, he checked his voicemail, finding three more messages from his brother.

_ “Hey, Sam. I’m worried about you, little brother. At least let me know you’re okay and not hurt somewhere. Or worse.” _

_ [dial tone] _

_ “Sammy, look. I didn’t know how to tell you this, but I have to. I might be in love with you, I am, I swear, but I can’t be what you need.”  _ (Dean sounded incredibly drunk.)

_ [dial tone] _

_ “Sam, I’m scared. I don’t wanna lose you.” _

_ [dial tone] _

Sam sighed. “Cas, can I ask you something?” he asked when the angel took him back to his motel room.

“Of course, Sam.”

“How would you get over somebody you couldn’t have?”

“Is this a trick question?”

Sam smiled, despite himself. “I don’t want to run away from Dean anymore. I don’t want to get hurt every time he chooses someone over me. I want to be able to hunt with my brother and not be devastated the whole time.”

“Fall in love with somebody else. Move on.”

Sam shrugged. “I do love somebody else, Cas. But I don’t think he could ever love me like that.”

“Why not?” The angel asked, sitting at the foot of Sam’s bed when Sam sunk into a chair at the table. “Are you sure you love him?”

“I am. I have loved him, for a while. With Dean, I had always loved him. But I remember how it was to fall for Jessica. It was quick and easy and steady. This felt a lot like that. Except, he’s much stronger, much better than I could ever be.” Sam smiled at the angel, something sad and pained. “He’s an angel, after all.”

His shoulders moved. Subtle, yes, but Sam noticed everything about Cas. This was new, like his interest was peaked, but in a different way. Like Sam might say something that he  _ really wanted  _ to hear. “Which angel, Sam?” He spoke in a whisper, but underneath, Castiel seemed ready to burst. 

Sam wanted to see. “You, Cas.”

The angel shuddered, bowed his head. “Sam,” he said, like a prayer. 

“I remember when we met, you looked at me like you pitied me. Like you saw my fate and figured there was no way to change it.”

Cas’s head shot up. “Sam, I—“

“Let me finish, please. After a year, you didn’t look at me like that anymore. You were shocked. Baffled, I think. I’ve made it my job to learn your expressions. When I got out of Hell, for real, after I lost my mind and you healed me, I saw things differently. I fell in love with you.”

“Then?” Cas asked. His voice was light, breathy. Sam had admitted to falling in love with Cas after the angel had taken on Sam’s Hell madness.

Sam nodded. “I told Dean once, how I felt about you. He said, ‘that angel will never love you, Sam. Besides, you have me.’”

“He was wrong.”

“I know, I don’t think Dean has really been on my side since he went to Hell.”

Castiel stood up then, gently running his fingers over Sam’s cheek, down his jaw, back to his lips. “He was wrong about me, as well.”

Sam stilled, his breath all but stopping. “About you?” He looked into Cas’s eyes, blue, so blue, and wondered if he would ever get the chance to see the angel’s grace. His wings and his angel-soul. His being.

“I love you, Sam. I have loved you. I remember what it was like, watching you struggle, seeing your pain. Your soul is beautiful. I wish I could touch it. I don’t think I’ve ever longed to entwine with a soul so much in all of my existence.”

Sam shuddered. “My soul is damaged goods, Cas.”

“If your soul is as damaged as you think, why are you still so good? You still want to do good things. And the amount of love you’re willing to give…”

“Cas…”

“I love you, Sam Winchester. I fell in love with you in such a way that I didn’t realize what was happening until it consumed me.”

Sam wasn’t sure when he’d grasped Castiel’s arms, but he held tight to the angel’s wrists where his hands rested at the back of Sam’s jaw. “You can touch it.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Sam.”

“I want you to touch it. I want to see you touch it.”

“After everything Lucifer did to you, you would let another angel touch your soul?”

“You aren’t just any angel, Cas. You’re Cas. And I love you. And you’re afraid to hurt me. It’s completely different. Whatever you do, I can take it.”

When Cas hesitated, Sam choked on the pressure building in his chest, not knowing what it would come out as. “ _ Please _ , Castiel.”

Castiel felt nothing like the Devil. Lucifer was cold, an icy pressure that built and built until you might suffocate. Compared to that, Castiel was like a summer cloud, folding around Sam and brushing, gently soothing and easing aches that were so old, Sam had forgotten what it was like without them. He knew when Castiel pulled away, the pain would return. He knew he should be in pain, but he wasn’t, he  _ wasn’t,  _ because this was Castiel, his friend, his family, an angel who loved him and who he loved in return. 

Sam thought briefly that he wouldn’t mind if Cas never stopped touching his soul.

“Sam?”

Castiel had pulled away. When Sam finally opened his eyes, night had fallen. “I’m sorry, Sam. I didn’t realize how long it had been.”

Sam’s fingers were stiff from how tightly he had been gripping handfuls of Cas’s trench coat. The angel had to help him let go.

“You’re probably exhausted, too. The trouble is that I’m going to have extra energy for a week.”

“Hey, I’m not really seeing a downside. You didn’t hurt me, Cas. You didn’t hurt me at all.” Sam was unsteady as he rose from the chair, but he needed to lie down before he fell asleep. “More the opposite, really.”

“Are you sure?” He asked, sounding confused. “I once had to do the same to Bobby, and it was painful for him.”

“Bobby wasn’t in love with you,” Sam offered. “Maybe that has something to do with it.”

When Sam had collapsed on the bed, Cas hovered beside him. “Surely you aren’t comfortable in that attire.”

“No, but I’m too exhausted to move,” Sam tried to say. His words came out slurred, and possibly out of order.

“Yes, but I am not. Will you be bothered if I make you more comfortable?”

Sam smiled into his pillow. “No,” he said, followed by a yawn. “Can if you want.”

While Cas worked off Sam’s boots, Sam answered his annoying phone. “De’n?”

“Sammy! Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“No, ‘m fine. Not hurt.”

“Are you drunk?” He asked, after a long pause.

“No,” Sam grumbled. “Just sleepy. ‘M with Cas.”

Cas started to roll him over, so Sam pushed himself onto his back with his elbow. 

“Cas? Why are you with Cas?”

“Because I wanted to be? And we dealt with an angel problem a few hours ago. I think.” He was still slurring, sleepy. “Where are you?”

“I’m in the Bunker.”

Sam nodded. He yawned. “Okay. We’ll be around tomorrow.” He eyed Castiel for a confirmation but got distracted when Castiel unbuckled his belt and undid his jeans. 

“Sam?”

“Huh? Oh, Cas is nodding. We’ll be around tomorrow.”

“We need to talk about… about us.”

“There isn’t an us, Dean. If that wasn’t clear. I love you, you’re my brother, you mean the world to me, but we can’t be in any other kind of relationship because it leads to a lot of hurt that I just can’t handle anymore.”

“Sammy—“

“Don’t. I’m okay, I’ll be fine. And we both know that you’re fine. We can hunt together and live in the same place and it’s going to be alright, as long as we stay brothers and nothing else, okay?”

After a moment, he heard Dean’s quiet, “okay,” from the other line, and he nodded. Cas has gotten him into boxers and was tugging his jacket off of his left arm. 

“I gotta go, okay? I’m still exhausted and Cas needs me to sit up so he can finish.”

“Finish what?” Dean asked, intrigued.

“Taking my clothes off,” Sam offered just before he hung up.

“I believe that is called a cliffhanger.”

“You would be correct,” Sam said, letting Cas pull him into a sitting position long enough to tug the sleeves of his jacket and flannel off. He was left in a t-shirt and boxers as he flopped back down and Cas pulled the blanket over him.

“Sleep well, Sam,” the angel whispered, brushing his lips against Sam’s, the barest of contact. 

-

“Sam!” Dean was in the kitchen when Cas and Sam made it to the bunker. Sam felt happy, relaxed, safe. 

“Hey,” he said, dropping into a seat. Cas ran his hand across Sam’s shoulders and took his duffel, leaving the room. He was giving the brothers space to talk.

“Okay, what the hell was that about last night?”

“Oh, I was too exhausted to bother getting out of my clothes when I laid down and Cas offered to do it for me.” 

“Why?”

“Because he’s nice? And he didn’t need to sleep?” Sam and Cas had agreed that they weren’t going to be very forward about their relationship. It was still very new, and they had a lot to discover about what they had between them, so they decided to let Dean discover it himself.

“Oh.”

He finally sat down. “Look, Sam. I’m sorry—“

“You don’t have to apologize, Dean. I don’t know why I ever thought it would be different. You’re not the same kind of person I am, and I asked for too much from you.”

“Sam, you don’t have to justify how I treated you. I was an asshole and you’re the one who suffered for it, and I should apologize to you. I am the last person who should have hurt you, Sam, and for some reason, I’ve hurt you a lot. I’m not an amazing guy.”

“You’re not the worst.” Sam chewed his lip. “Cas and I had a few conversations. He warned me early on that this would happen and I ignored him and he helped me understand. He helped me move on and get over it, and I am so grateful it hurts. So, if you’re not nice to him for any reason after this, I will hit you. A lot. I should be hitting you now, but I won’t.”

Dean held his hands up. “I’m not stupid enough not to think you could be scary if you wanted to hurt me. I consider Cas family—“

“Apparently that doesn’t stop you,” Sam said, glaring. “I’ll convince Cas to tell me if you hurt him, Dean. Sometimes you think you can be an ass because he made a few mistakes, but I have too, and so have you. Team Free Will, man. Making mistakes is part of ‘Free Will.’”

There was a long pause. Dean didn’t meet his gaze until after he slowly nodded. “I hear you, Sam. So… what was it that had you so exhausted yesterday?”

“Cas touched my soul.”

“To deal with the angels? Doesn’t that hurt, though?”

Sam smiled at the table. “He just wanted to. And no, it didn’t hurt.” He got up. “I’m gonna go find something to read.”

-

It was several months later when Dean barged into Sam’s room to ask about a hunt Sam and Cas took together and found them half-asleep and recently showered. Neither of them was dressed beyond sweatpants and a t-shirt for Cas. 

He paused mid-sentence, just staring, like his brain had short-circuited. 

“Earth to Dean? What do you want?”

Sam was holding back laughter at the look on Dean’s face.

“Spit it out, Dude,” he said.

Cas just brushed his fingers through Sam’s hair, ignoring him.

“Are you two fucking?”

Sam threw a pillow at him. “You don’t get to ask stupid questions, Dean. What did you come in here for?”

“But…”

Cas finally got up, pushing Dean out into the Hall and closing the door, returning to Sam on the bed. “When he finds his words, he can try again.”

Sam hadn’t laughed so hard in months. “Cas, I want you to touch it.” Somehow, he knew the angel would know how much Sam loved him if he just touched his soul again.

“You do?”

“Please?”

He nodded, bringing Sam closer and kissing him, reaching out to feel Sam’s soul.

It was an even better feeling than before. At first, it was like a jolt of electricity, but then it felt more like the universe was coming into focus for the first time since Sam could even remember. It felt like a good song on a back road, or a thunderstorm in June, or every time Cas whispered his devotion in Sam’s ear, every time Cas kissed him, every time he woke up to see the angel watching him with a purity in his gaze and Sam’s name on his lips. It felt like happiness. It felt better, like contentment, something Sam had never really had. 

Dean was banging on the door when Cas eventually let him go. 

“How long?” Sam mumbled, pressing a sloppy kiss to Cas’s neck.

“All night. I’m so—“

“Please don’t apologize. Cas, I don’t think… I wish I could explain to you how amazing it felt, how  _ content _ I am when you… There are no words, Cas. Saying I love you doesn’t feel like enough.”

Cas kissed him, tender. “Rest. I’ll let Dean in?”

“Yeah.” Sam rolled away enough that the angel could get up, burrowing in the blankets and watching with sleepy eyes as Cas let his brother into the room. 

“Jesus Christ, I’ve been banging on the door for twenty minutes!”

“At least you knocked,” Sam slurred, rubbing his eyes. 

“Why do you look like you haven’t slept?” Dean asked, staring.

“I didn’t. What do you want?”

“Are you two… together?”

“Dean, if that part isn’t obvious by now, I don’t think it ever will be,” Cas said, sitting beside Sam, who immediately turned toward him, tossing an arm over his lap. 

“Are you sleeping together?”

“Sometimes, but I don’t think that’s any of your business, Dean. Just because you’re obvious about sex partners doesn’t mean anybody else has to be. This relationship does revolve around more than sexual pleasure.” Sam tried his best to make the words come out correctly. He thought he did alright, considering he’d been lost in a different universe all night. Well, it felt that way.

Dean cleared his throat. “Can you tell me…”

-

Sam woke up late in the afternoon. The space beside him was empty but still warm--like the angel had recently vacated it. So he rolled out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom, getting cleaned up and then going back to his room to get dressed. 

He found a thick envelope on his desk, something that was definitely not from anyone or anything he associated with every day.

Inside was a blood spell that allowed a person to touch an angel’s grace, but it only worked if the angel was willing. At the bottom, a signature that looked suspiciously like ‘Chuck Shurley.’

He hid the envelope in his desk drawer and made his way to the kitchen. Dean was pointedly talking to Cas about everything  _ but  _ Sam.

He still couldn’t grasp the look of adoration on his partner’s face when he noticed Sam coming in. He couldn’t stop his own cheesy grin. 

“Good afternoon, sleeping beauty,” Dean said, throwing a balled up napkin at him. “You missed lunch.”

Sam shrugged. “That’s quite alright. I’m not hungry.”

“The hell do you mean, you aren’t hungry?”

“Cas brought me dinner from Paris last night. I’m not hungry,” Sam explained, squeezing Cas’s hand before he sat down. 

Dean spluttered. “Paris?!”

Sam shrugged. “You prefer burgers and fries. He did bring you diner food. And you failed to notice it was from Paris, too.”

He ignored the rest of Dean’s muttering in order to properly study Cas. “There’s something that I want to try later. Do you trust me enough to do it without telling you what it is, or do you want me to tell you?”

Cas squeezed his fingers. “I trust you.”

-

Later happened to be that evening, and Sam got everything he needed ready while Cas read a book on Sam’s bed.

“Is that a spell?” he asked casually while Sam set out the blade and the incantation on the edge of the bed.

“Yes it is.” He crawled up the bed, turning the angel over and putting the book on his nightstand, pulling Cas’s shirt off while also straddling his hips.

“Sam?”

“I’m going to ask again. Do you trust me, or do you want me to tell you what this is for?”

The spell was simple, really. Sam had studied the sigil for more than an hour and was confident that he would get it right. The spell would allow Sam to do the same thing with the angel’s grace as Cas did with his soul without injuring him, and the only side effect was a little extra energy. It wasn’t supposed to affect Cas at all.

“I trust you, Sam.” He leaned back, hands lightly gripping Sam’s knees where they pressed against his sides. 

His eyes widened a fraction when Sam made a small cut on his own chest, above his heart, and used his blood to start drawing the symbol on Cas’s torso. When that part was finished, Sam put his palm in the center and began to chant.

-

Touching Cas’s grace was like holding a galaxy in his hands. He suddenly felt huge, bigger than a planet, and filled to the brim with light. In real time, he heard Cas let out a small, pleased moan, and his hands gripped Sam’s knees harder. It was even better than when Cas touched his soul. He’d take this over sex any day, the intense emotion just poured out of him. He couldn’t really form a train of thought, just small bursts. Sam never thought, in all his life, that he would ever feel such intense emotion for a being as powerful and great and terrifyingly beautiful, but also soft and kind and as changing as the sea.

When he pulled away, hours had passed. Cas was staring up at him in a sort of dazed adoration that left Sam breathless. He reached up, pressing his fingertips to Sam’s chest to heal the cut that had slightly scabbed over.

“Where did you learn that?” he asked, voice velvety wonderment.

“When I got up earlier, I found an envelope on my desk. From Chuck.”

“Chuck created a spell just so you could…?”

“I think it has something to do with the fact that it doesn’t hurt when you touch my soul. There’s never been any couple like us before. An angel has never touched a human’s soul without hurting them.”

“You love me,” Cas said, looking for the first time like he didn’t doubt it at all.

Sam moved off of him, pulling the angel closer. “There have never been words good enough to explain how I feel about you, Castiel. I just hope that you understand better, now.”

When Cas kissed him, Sam was pretty sure he got it, finally. He was pretty sure they’d never forget. And he couldn’t find any complaints about that.


End file.
